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New name!   
06:41pm 16/11/2005
  Okay, this is the last post, for serious.

My new account is http://www.livejournal.com/~litreacola
If you want to keep me as a friend, please add me!
09:25am 16/11/2005
  This will be my last post with this journal, except to add what my new name will be.

I've decided to think positively about myself so this name has to go. It came about during a period of depression and I had searched 'physical pain' and came up with Ischiagra. So, no more of that. I will come up with another name during the course of the day.

Also, my new mantra word, to go with Heidi's comment, will be Stupendous. Not only does it mean something wonderful, but its also a funny word, and I love funny words.
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06:35pm 15/11/2005
mood: contemplative
As of this moment, I'm not going to be hard on myself anymore.
Any time I have negative feelings, I'm going to combat them.
I know I'm a good person.
I know I can do good things.

All I need to do to make myself a better person is believe in myself.
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06:01pm 14/11/2005
mood: tired and icky
I'm really really tired. Haven't gotten much sleep lately. I was too tired to do my math project last night so I crammed this morning. I was nervous and the thing flowed rather badly. But one guy in the class told me afterwards that he thought it was really interesting and wanted to go practice his guitar, so that's good.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I have stuff to do for a class tomorrow but I'm so tired and there's no one around to steal books from. I think I'm just gonna sleep all day tomorrow. Yeah, that's it.

I miss Marc. I haven't heard from him all day. I hope everything is all right. We had fun this weekend in Spokane, though we didn't do much other than eat, lay around, see the show, and drive. The Lion King was amazing. I love spending time with him. He has a lot of hard things to work through right now. I'm stressed and exhausted and feeling kinda sick. Blah.
10:30pm 08/11/2005
mood: introspective
Yes, I did get ahold of Marc. He called at 5 am. Apparently he had everything turned off because he wasn't feeling social, which is alright. I wanted to give him space but still he worried me... Anyways, it's all good now.

Tonight was a little awkward because he thinks it's weird that I watch him when he sleeps... Then I admitted that my mom did the same to me and it bugged me... Then I realized that I was doing just what my mom does... Which then made me realize that she does it because she loves me and that's exactly why I was doing it to him... I was really close to telling him that but I didn't. Instead, I didn't say much and left, crying as I drove home.

I keep putting it off, telling him that I love him... I re-evaluate how I feel every day. I want to be sure that its real. I think it is. I'm still scared to tell him though...
07:13pm 06/11/2005
  I hate always getting so worried! I haven't heard from Marc since yesterday morning. I left 3 voice messages and emailed last night. Yesterday was the anniversary of his father's death, so I'm more worried than normal. I just want him to be okay and I won't know until I talk to him. Erf.  
10:13pm 04/11/2005
mood: annoyed
This is what happens when I move the timpani.

Today was the orchestra concert. It was alright. I moved most of it there by myself. I suck at thumb rolls on the tambourine.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Kalispell. I'm also going to Krispy Kreme with Marc in the morning. Its the first year anniversary of his father's death tomorrow so he requested time to be alone. I know he needs his space but still I worry about him and would love to be there for him.

Unfortunately, I have to be back early Sunday because of another orchestra rehearsal. BLAH. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick of orchestra. Grr.

OH YEAH!! Marc is taking me to The Lion King (the broadway musical) in Spokane next weekend!! Yay!
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05:06pm 03/11/2005
mood: frustrated
So, my professor said I couldn't do my recital next semester. That means I'm stuck for at least another semester next year. He did say I could be in marching band again but that'd be 6 years. Everyone told me I should, but I don't know yet.

I also don't know exactly what I should do with classes... Should I be a full time student and take a bunch of random classes for fun? Or should I go to part time next semester and focus on my recital?

I'm so confused about life. Ugh.
09:58pm 02/11/2005
mood: bitchy
Usually tours are fun, but this one blew. We rarely had any help moving and setting up equipment. The asshole brass kept fucking stealing our stands. For our break, everyone left me by myself to stand out in the rain and wind. We had two keys for three people in the hotel room and I didn't get one so I had to wake them up just to get back in. They each took a bed and used both fucking pillows so I had to use my fucking coat. Everyone on the bus was fucking annoying. By the time I got back, I wanted to fucking kill them. We got back late and had to move everything in by ourselves then wait for jazz III to get out to put it away. I had to wait until 9:05 for the fucking drunk bus just to get home.

I had fun a couple times, but for the most part, it was extremely fucking shitty. Now I fucking hate orchestra and most of the people in it. Grr.

Hopefully tomorrow won't suck.

You fit in with:

Your ideals mostly resemble those of an Atheist. You have very little faith and you are very focused on intellectual endeavors. You value objective proof over intuition or subjective thoughts. You enjoy talking about ideas and tend to have a lot of in depth conversations with people.

40% scientific.
60% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
02:11pm 31/10/2005
  Marc gave me a hickey! What a jerk!  
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01:21am 28/10/2005
  I just got home, forgot my card to get into my apartment, went back to my car. I noticed how extremely quiet it was outside. As I turned to head back to the building, I heard a noise. Walking down the middle of the street was a fair sized doe. She looked at me but didn't seem to be bothered by my presence and continued on.

Tonight was the first concert of the Society of Composers, Inc. (SCI) Region VIII conference. It was very interesting. I've met a lot of very interesting people. We all ended up going to The Depot afterwards despite our professor saying that it was "unprofessional." I had such a good time. Some of us stayed until 1, gabbing about EVERYTHING, but mostly music and school, all that. I'm so glad that I went. I think this conference will help me regain some of what I've lost in regard to composing. I hope.
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11:16pm 24/10/2005
mood: thirsty
So the Griz did win. It was a really messy game but we pulled it off. Sports people seem to be impressed. Some national writer called us the "Mecca of I-AA football." Oh yeah, we had a streaker. Now that was entertainment. You kinda stare at him in horror, but can't look away. The best part is watching him get tackled by security.

Today was strange. Someone managed to drive over the footbridge by campus. It's for only pedestrians and bicyclists but the driver plowed right through the concrete barriers. They ended up crashing into something on the side, nearest where we were. It happened at the end of marching band and I didn't notice at all until afterwards when I look over and see a car where one shouldn't belong and ask "Is that a car??" Of course this was when two fire trucks and an ambulance arrived. They took the driver away to the hospital. I just wonder why the hell someone would do that... Crazy people.

What I gathered from a conversation with Marc this evening was that he tries to rile me up. He also says no to what I want to see if I'll say "This what we're having, damnit!" instead of being indecisive as normal. Though, picking out dinner isn't really that important to get worked up over, but next time, I'm deciding what to eat, dang it.
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He must be a dork   
08:10am 22/10/2005
mood: awake
I got an anonymous post to an entry about my boyfriend and didn't really know how to take it.

Subject: He must be a dork
what do you really like about this guy anyway?

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it but now I think I'll answer it...

He's really funny. That's always a plus and I love having someone to laugh with. Even Heidi said she thought he was really funny.
On that note, Heidi likes him and he likes Heidi. Gotta get along with the best friend.
He's lived in different places and visited other countries and has more of a perspective on things (sorry, I'm not turning Conservative for him, hehe.)
He cooks me dinner.
He helped me cook dinner and it actually turned out pretty good.
He randomly bought me a gift, something that rarely, if ever, happens to me. It really makes me feel special, even if he thinks it's nothing.
He likes to spend time with me even though he knows I'm crazy.
He saw me at a football game and didn't run away afterwards.
We like a lot of the same things, which is helpful! And even if we don't, at least it's okay that we disagree.
He teases me a lot. Sure, some people might hate that, but I know when it's good natured. Plus, I can tease him back, so we're even. Although he is definitely better at it than me.
He puts up with me and somehow still likes me.
He spends time with me instead of blowing me off for computer games.
We got along well. There's always something to talk about. No awkward silences.
He makes me feel comfortable enough to be my weird self without trying to restrain myself. (Though I do, because I have to anyways, hehe.)
He's mature, stable, grounded (for a guy) yet really fun to be around.

I could probably go on and on but I need to finish getting ready for marching band. I do hope the Griz don't get their asses handed to them today. It sure would suck.
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01:23pm 21/10/2005
mood: bored
I was just curious the rankings of some of my favorite movies on rottentomatoes.com so here they are:

Movies!Collapse )
03:29pm 20/10/2005
  I have no class today and only 2 tomorrow because of the Montana Music Educators Association conference/convention in Bozeman. Sooo... I stayed the night at Marc's and slept in until late, whenever he got home from work. Then he made lunch. Then he took a nap and I laid down with him. Then he had to go to class so I'm home, sitting here, instead of doing the things I should be doing.

I need to turn in my graduation application otherwise I'm never going to graduate, haha. I suck.

At least I get to deposit $615 into my bank account. Woot.

I got a message from Jeremy that said "Hello" and that was that. Maybe he didn't say anything more because he got a return message that said "I'm at my boyfriend's house! :)"
09:53pm 16/10/2005
  Fun weekend. Marching band (team lost). Hung out at Marc's. Today we went on a site seeing trip, down to Big Hole National Battlefield (one on the Nez Perce trail ending with Chief Joseph surrendering), then to Bannack (ghost town, one of the first in Montana), and then up to Butte (drove around... crazy, crazy Butte) and stopped at various places in between like Deerlodge and Drummond. It was fun and I really enjoyed spending time with Marc.

And then we had rehearsal for Symphonic Winds which was LOOOOOOOONG. Got there and 5:30 and left at 9:15.
11:22pm 14/10/2005
  I came home to find this:

[20:41] bravewayne: u there?
[20:41] *** Auto-response sent to bravewayne: I'm at my boyfriend's house. :)
[20:41] bravewayne: oh, leave him ... i'm with a bunch of hot guys, and we wanna buy some girls drinks and maybe later have sex with them
[20:42] bravewayne: is that u?
[20:44] bravewayne: u there?

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01:18pm 13/10/2005
  I wish I had some motivation to do something extra instead of doing only what I can to get by. I've really learned to be lazy and it sucks. I need to get a fire going inside me so I get off my ass and do something.  
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10:31pm 12/10/2005
  I'm spending more and more time with my boyfriend. I really want to tell him how much I care about him but I don't know what to say. I think I'm falling in love with him, but I don't want to fall too hard and too fast. I'm going to be careful and let things go as they will, but I really want to tell him how much I care.

And damn, he has some mighty sexy arms.
07:24pm 09/10/2005
  I'm back! I went to Bozeman this weekend with Jamie and Marc. It was a very interesting trip!

On the way there, we saw a van full of guys from the community college in Kalispell and kept passing them then they'd pass us. We were waving and they'd wave, and finally they flashed us. It was quite amusing.

Then we went to Johnny Carino's with Heidi and that was SO fun. There was this waiter that kept bantering with us and I laughed the entire time. He ended up giving Jamie a free drink and me a free refill of Orange Italian soda. We visited my brother at his apartment and he gave me all sorts of games including HALF-LIFE 2!!! ... and Neverwinter Nights, Morrowind, AVP2, FarCry, System Shock 2, American McGee's Alice, uh yeah. Then we went and hung out at the MSU music building for awhile. Then... we all fell asleep at the hotel.

Today, Marc and I left at 6 am to get breakfast and a paper and just hang out for awhile. We came back, hung out again, finally left the hotel at noon. We met Heidi and Burton downtown, went to Cactus Records then a toy store, then ate at Pickle Barrel. Then Jamie had to visit someone. Then we finally left, but we stopped at the Wheat Montana Bakery in Three Forks.

THEN, we dropped off Jamie and then went to Marc's and he went to bed and I came home and now I miss him. Oh yeah, he bought me Super Troopers and Office Space and I didn't pay for any food. He spoils me so much. I've only known him for like 2 weeks or something, but it feels like I've known him for a long time. I'm enamored already.